Psalm 62:1-2The above has been my cling-to passage in pregnancy. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, which is probably normal, but I've had more worries than the average woman. Being of advanced maternal age and having various health problems has turned pregnancy into something of an emergency. I had to see a high-risk OB for a while, and my specialists are freaking out about various things. My rheumatologist recently ran all the Lupus panels on me again, and instead of seeing me once a year, I'm now seeing him monthly.
Truly my soul finds rest in God;
my salvation comes from him.
Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
And yet, I mostly feel fine.
My last visit with the high-risk OB had me leaving in tears. The nice thing is that she always did a sonogram at every single visit. The bad thing is, she always did a sonogram. With lots of measurements. My last visit took forever because she was examining the baby and doing measurements for a very long time. Finally, I was told that everything looked fine, except his nuchal fold measured too big. That could indicate chromosomal abnormalities. Then I was told she didn't need to see me anymore, please call after I have the baby to let her know how things turn out, try not to worry, and nice to meet me.
I really hate to cry in front of people. I mean, I hate it. But there I was, sitting on the exam table, sucking back tears because I knew I had to walk through the waiting room full of other expectant couples. Then down the hall, to the elevator, and eventually through the hospital's main entrance. I mostly held it together until I got to my car, where I let loose with wracking sobs I couldn't control. I remember screaming at God, "WHY?!" And I'll even confess to telling him the utter unfairness of giving my sister 4 healthy children, and then giving me, the girl who was perfectly happy without kids, a messed-up one.
Because, of course, my mind had already gone to the surety that my baby isn't perfect.
My husband has been my rock throughout all of this. He didn't jump to the conclusions that I did when I phoned him, then couldn't even talk for the first few minutes. After I explained the situation, he reminded me of something I'd just told him, but hadn't paid a lick of attention to: the nuchal fold measured just fine a month earlier. The doctor had said that. Babies don't suddenly develop chromosomal abnormalities; they start out that way. So it was probably just a fluke. But even if it wasn't, we'd still love this baby just as much.
I really, really love that man. Thirteen years of marriage, and it just gets better and better.
It also helps that friends started telling me their own stories of bad sonogram readings, then all was fine when baby was born. I desperately needed to hear that.
Thing is, I'm scared. I'm scared of everything having to do with having babies. I'm not a baby person. At all. If you have a baby, truthfully, I don't want to hold it. It's not personal; I'm just not interested. I don't care if people judge me for that. I'm being honest. Yet here I am, having a baby of my own. This little, helpless person is being given to me. And he's a gift. I know in my heart that he's a gift from God. I have high hopes for this little person, and I'm so scared of screwing things up. I already harbor incredible guilt that I have to take migraine meds every single day. I've never truly been angry with God, but that... that sent me over the edge, with pleading to him, begging him to take the pain away so I wouldn't risk damaging this small child inside me.
God has chosen not to answer that prayer. I don't know why. And I finally came to that point that I just have to trust him. For everything. He knows I need my meds and can't function through the pain without them. So I have to simply believe that he'll protect this child within me. And if he doesn't, well, I won't understand it, but I'll know that somehow it was part of his plan. Same for if our son turns out to have chromosomal abnormalities. His plan is always good, even when we can't see far enough ahead to know it for ourselves.
But I won't lie. Trusting God is really, really hard sometimes. However, when you're at that helpless state where there's nothing you can do but worry or trust, trust is always the better, the somewhat-easier option.
The latest health scare is the potential for gestational diabetes. I failed the glucose screening by a mere 3 points. I went in this morning for the 3-hour fasting test, then was sent home after things had gotten started because all the glucose drinks were expired. Every single one. *sigh* It's never easy. But again, I just have to believe that whatever the outcome, God will lead me through it.